12 hole jitters

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course played:  transit valley country club
holes played:  1 through 18
balls lost:  2
balls found:  2
--

transit valley

i went to buffalo to celebrate memorial day and to swing some clubs at the place where elliot perfected his golf game.  according to the website, i was in some serious company:

"The primary focus of our club is golf. 

Transit Valley’s reputation as one of the finest golf courses

drew some of the world's greatest golfers.  

Walter Hagen, Sam Snead, Cary Middlecoff, Jackie Burke, Jimmy Thompson,

Bobby Locke, and Gene Sarazen all were visiting players. 

Walter Hagen was an Honorary Member of Transit Valley."

eager to impress elliot's mom, "giver of my driver," and neel, "person to whom i had been talking a big game," i took my game face out of my suitcase and put it on before heading to the course. 

it must have fallen off en route to transit.  to sum up a long and painful round, it took 12 holes for me to start playing some respectable golf - the '12 hole jitters' as some might say.  after regaining my composure, it then took me only 1 hole to lose it again.

i will take this experience as a sign that i need some actual lessons.  watching the golf channel doesn't seem to be doing it for me.

buffalo-bound

"do you ever golf anywhere around here besides the presidio?" you ask.

"why yes i do.  in fact, tomorrow, i am headed to buffalo, new york, premier golf location of northern new york state.  it's just a cross-country jaunt from san francisco," i say.

- pause -

taking your silence as a cue for explanation, i continue.  "oh, you haven't heard of it?  it is quite the hidden gem.  trying to get in on the action before it goes extinct*."

* for the record, i don't find extinction funny.  but, the irony?  buffaloes once faced extinction in the late-1800s.  now, thanks to the host of regulation over the past 100 years, they're back! and roaming freely on their home on the range.  where the deer and the antelope play.  where seldom is heard a discouraging word.  and the skies are not cloudy all day.

nice swing

and...  to the owner of this swing... 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

i wear my heart on...

--
course played:  presidio
holes played:  1 to 9.5
balls lost:  2
balls found:  6
--



MY GOLF BALL

...  or at least i did yesterday.  over the past few weeks, i feel that there has been improvement to my game.  blinded by this illusion of confidence, i made the executive decision to graduate from playing the busch league noodles and muddy talyormades that i have been finding on the course.  i deemed myself ready to use a couple new shimmery calloway solaires.  to personalize them, i sharpie-tattooed each with a tiny little red heart.

then, this happened:

i duffed my very first swing on the very first hole and sent the ball rolling ~15 yards.  at least it was retrievable.  on the second swing, i swung it like i meant it and sent the newly tattooed ball flying - in the wrong direction - out of bounds - over a net - and into the driving range.  MAN DOWN!

its tattooed brother didn't survive much longer.  somewhere between the second and third holes, that little guy disappeared into the bushes.

apparently, new balls aren't meant for everyone.{*}

*insert obviouss, yet off-color ball-related joke here 

wild{e}ly accurate

--
course played:  presidio
holes played:  1 through 8
balls lost:  1
balls found:  1
--

although the dear oscar wilde was more of lover than a golfer, he did once have this to say:

'consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative.'

one can only assume that he was referring to golf when he wrote this because i can't think of a sport where this is more applicable.  the game is unforgiving and doesn't leave a ton of room for error.  i mean - come on - the golf ball is so tiny and the club heads are so small!  it is pretty much a miracle when they make contact.

she looks really unimaginative to me

wilde's quote makes me feel better about my whiffs, misses and lost balls while also speaking to my game and my person.  my game?  it's devastatingly inconsistent.  my person?  yep, i'm overly imaginative - no need to run to the refuge of consistency.  just need to buy 'the women's guide to consistent golf.'

not.

north korean open

over the last few decades, the sport of golf has undeniably become more inclusive and more international.  however, that fact did not prepare me for this:


nope, your eyes are not playing a trick on you.  and no, i didn't create this with microsoft paint.  this is the actual logo for the democratic people'e republic of korea's amateur golf open.  according to the official website, the tournament 'took place on the 29th april 2011*. journalists from associated press and japanese/korean media were on hand to cover the event, which was played by 17 competitors, from 8 different countries. the nationalities included uk, south africa, finland, france, germany, australia, luxembourg and dprk.'

while i'm all about celebrating the joys of golf, something about this particular competition seems incredibly odd.  not surprisingly, the united states didn't make it into this year's tournament...  perhaps it had something to do with posters like these:

"the US is truly an axis of evil"**

"wicked man"**

in case you were wondering, the tournament was played in a callaway format (no idea what this means) and olli lehtonen and johannes raitio from finland were the winners.  good job guys - this one will really make your moms proud.

oh!  if you're thinking about playing next year, the 2012 open will be held in pyongyang from may 19 to 21.  better sign up now before all the spots fill up...


* most of the free world missed this tournament as '29th april 2011' was coincidentally the day of the royal wedding - not a great day to go up against in the ratings world (take that! kim jong il).

** posters courtesy of the california literary review of  north korean posters: the david heather collection

binky & me

--
course played:  presidio
holes played:  1 through 9
balls lost:  3
balls found:  2
--

binky bunker, the golfing clown who doesn't like the rules


golf etiquette, much like women's golf clothing, is lame.  each time i play, i get reminded of this fact.  take a look at some of the rules:

1.  don't move, talk or stand close to a player making a stroke.
2.  don't play until the group in front is out of the way.
3.  always play without delay. leave the putting green as soon as all players in your group have holed out.
4.  invite faster groups to play through.
5.  replace divots. smooth footprints in bunkers.
6.  don't step on the line of another player's putt.
7.  don't drop clubs on the putting green.


to these rules and to those who follow them (ehem, elliot), i ask the following: 

what if i am just trying to hang out and TALK to my friends who happen to be the GROUP IN FRONT of me?

what if i want to celebrate my triple bogey on the PUTTING GREEN and want to INVITE FASTER GROUPS to watch me putt (since they have caught up anyways)? 

what if i prize the occasional DIVOT because it means that my ball finally got some air?

lines are invisible and hard to read.  so, what if i accidentally STEP on your invisible/non-existent LINE because i couldn't see it?  your ball probably won't follow anyways because, like i said before, the line is invisible and hard. to. read.

and lastly, what kind of CLUB doesn't let you DROP it like it's hot?*

binky bunker putting footprints in the sand AND 'grounding' his sand wedge

after all this ranting, i do believe that the lesson that we have learned is that binky bunker and i are two golf clowns who don't like to play by the rules...  we try just our best to abide by them so people can tolerate playing with us.


*yes, i know.  this is a little bit of a stretch.  just go with it please.

an ode to squaw

as i sit here on 'hump day'* thinking about weekend plans, it has come to my attention that ski season has officially come to a close.  with that, i leave you with a mediocre poem and some photos of beautiful squaw valley.

california winter first led me to you

lady squaw, you had too few blues

many lessons, i did in fact take

to tackle greens or blacks, a pact i did make

on siberia, you made me cry

a truth, which i can not deny!

down shirley lake, i surely tumbled

from the chamois, we have all stumbled

it was the first of many, as seasons go

the snow and the mountain, i will miss you so

a glimpse of the lake

 a look at the mountain

another peek at the lake

view from the base of the kt-22 lift
where i was waiting for everyone else to finish 

last weekend... in april.
 heavy snow; low visability

me and my purple pants

* 'hump day' as in wednesday... you perverts.

a personal record

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course played:  presidio
holes played:  all 18
balls lost:  3
balls found:  4
--

walking past my ball for no apparent reason

like any other sport, there is a running tally of stats for how golfers perform during the season.  one important metric used in judging skill is 'driving distance (yards per drive).'  this is how the top 5 ladies of the LPGA tour stack up:

1.  michelle wie, 274.5 yards
2.  vicky hurst, 265.7 yards
3.  brittany lincicome, 264.7 yards
4.  karen stupples, 264.4 yards
5.  christina plays golf, 211.3 yards

'what?!?  christina plays golf?!?!?!?!' you ask.  'yes, christina plays golf,' i calmly reply.

ok, fine.  the ranking part is obviously a joke. 

however, the ~211.3 yards part is no lie.  this saturday, on the 11th hole at presidio, i am very happy to report that i set a personal record for my 'driving distance (yard per drive).'  watch out, michelle, vicky, bittany, and karen - i'm coming for you. 

ok, fine again.  that 'i'm coming for you' part is a joke too.